The Fifth Mile: The battle within

So you come up with this crazy idea, you get all hyped up about it and nothing's going to stop you, right? We always expect smooth sailing when we start a new endeavor. When I decided to lose weight, I didn't think I would ever get stuck. I didn't think I would ever get frustrated, feel defeated and no way was it possible that my results would ever go backwards.

For the last week or so, I have felt completely defeated... and unworthy. My kids were sick, went out of town for a few days, was left without power for 47 hours and me, myself and I were put on the back burner. Maybe not so much the back burner, I just got so distracted, I didn't care. It's the 20th of June and so far this month, I have only run 23 miles. Are you serious? My BodyBugg has done nothing but track my calories burned. The calories that I've consumed, well, I don't even want to pretend they existed. The result? The scale is up, up, up!

I got on the scale today today and just felt like giving up (seriously Jess, what did you expect?). The kids went to bed and what did I do, eat, eat and eat some more. I'm not even going to sneak a peek at the scale now. Now I'm sitting here kicking myself for my moment of gluttony. OK, so the chips and salsa were good while I had them. The three Fruit Roll-Ups hit the spot too. I'll stop there. The moment's over... and the moment I'm in right now is so much worse.

On one hand, I'm feeling like I failed myself. Losing weight, and even more so, being healthy, is so hard. I feel like it's one step forward and two steps back sometimes. Why bother sometimes? On the other hand, it motivates me again. What's done is done. I ate those calories. Now I have to combat what they're going to do with my body. It's not the first time I've decided to be a pig. Regardless, those "one step forward, two steps back" moments, has gotten me almost 100lbs lighter (for the second time). They add up.

So tonight, the internal struggle that 's been going on with me the last week is over. I'm focused, I'm in it to win it. I'm in it for myself, my children and my husband. Treating my body like a trash can is over. I'm back on track with getting enough sleep, not going over on my calories, making my workouts and runs a priority. After all, the road to success is paved with small failures. And I'm a veteran to this road... I've been on it a long, long time. It's leading me home.


Next Time: The Sixth Mile